We've Moved!

Ha, ha - no, not the Feldmann Family, silly fools! Are you kidding? It took Derrick and I more than a year to agree on THIS house! You would know if we were looking for a new home!

Our BLOG has moved! We made the jump to a new and improved host (which makes us sound like parasites. Or greedy guests. Both of which might be true on any given day.)!

So, if you'd like to keep reading about our adventures, please check out our new site. And, if you'd like to get new posts delivered to your inbox, just sign-up on the 'Follow' button!

See you soon!

Sick Days, Vacation Days

Here's the thing - being sick on vacation in not much fun. And I am sick as a dog right now. Seriously - call me, I sound like a man. Don't call me - I won't answer my phone. I'm on vacation.

But, I'm not complaining even one iota of the smallest molecule of the littlest particle (that might be backwards. Or maybe not even a little correct at all ... I don't care. I'm a housewife, not a scientist.).

You know why I'm not complaining? Because here are what sick days look like in Florida:

Looks like it's going to be another crappy day on Longboat Key ...

Girlies in my bed. Shhh ... if Nani asks, that's just water in those cups. NOT MILK? Got it?

(Every day actually starts like this, even in Indiana. Every. Single. Day. Promise me it lasts forever.)

Some playtime before breakfast. Paige has just announced that she is the doctor and the nurse. Which makes Blair the ... less busy of the two, I guess?

A pancake breakfast at The Depot! Mmmmm ... pancakes.

Hi, Nani and Botsie! (This was right before Bots made Blair 'hide' behind her crayon. He was making train sounds, she thought he was telling her to 'shush.' A little miscommunication. Blair did NOT appreciate it - she is, after all, Botsie's bestie.

Blair pointing to the train (look for the black blur right under the hanging light). She liked to yell and point it out each time it passed. Which was about every 30 seconds.

Seriously? It's too bad she's not very cute, right?

She didn't think she could do it ...

We told her we KNEW she could do it ...

SHE DID IT!!!! So pleased with herself!!

Conference in the tunnel ... plotting their next terrorist act, no doubt.

Yay!!!! (That's actually what she's saying here.)

Tigers! Blair wanted NO part of these faux circus animals, which were scattered throughout the park. She thinks they are real ... which I think is pretty funny. I may or may not try to make her touch them to see what she'll do. I'm a super-great mom.

I don't blame Blair for avoiding this one. Clowns are creepy - even pretend ones.

Clowns in the clown car! Okay, THESE particular clowns aren't creepy!

Thanks A Lot, Old Folks

Warning, you are going to read some profanity and glaring generalizations in this post. I don't care. I am PISSED.

Today is our third full day in Florida, and poor Paigers woke up with a tummy ache and a fever this morning. Here's the good part about being in Florida versus Indianapolis on a day like today: we were able to head out this morning with Botsie, take a nice long walk outside and just soak up some Vitamin D and fresh air. Instead of being stuck in our basement, driving each other crazy, soaking up dust and Nick Jr. (Poor Paige even fell asleep in the stroller on our walk! It's been YEARS since she did that!)

So, the girls went down for an early nap - around 12:30 this afternoon. Blair woke up around 3:30 and she and I decided to head to the grocery together. This was mostly decided by her, because at this point in the day (every day) she pretty much likes to be held by me from the time she wakes up from her nap until her daddy gets home. Then she likes to be held by him.

Off to Publix we went - she was reading me her book, I rolled our windows down and turned up the radio. All in all it was looking like a fun outing (yes, I realize it was just the grocery store - but when your kids are little you can still call this an 'outing'. Plus, I can make pretty much anything fun. I'm kind of awesome like that.).

We got to the store and waited for a parking spot (seriously, Grandpa? Just park in the spot two feet further away rather than making us all wait 10 minutes while YOU wait for the other one to open up.). I got Blair out and we smiled at the woman sitting in the parked car next to us (remember this fact for future use).

Then, we started to weave in-between parked cars to get into the store. And it happened.

I tripped over a parking barrier. I never even saw it coming - it wasn't painted, and was mostly covered by the car in the spot next to me. In fact, I've been in this parking lot MULTIPLE times and never even noticed they were there. (Also a fact, I had to ask my dad what they were called. Because I used to be smart like that. And then I had kids.)

Here's the thing. Rarely do I ever just trip and stumble. I fall ALL. THE. WAY. DOWN. Like, tumble.  Ass over tea-kettle, if you will. In fact, my older brother has mentioned that he has never actually seen a grow-up fall all the way down as much as I do. (Also a fact, I am currently nursing a huge bruise on my knee from falling down the stairs in a store last weekend. Sober, folks. No excuse.)

Here's the other thing - remember that I was carrying my baby at the time today. Yes, she might be almost 2, but she is my baby. In fact, both of my girls are my babies. I fell to the ground, scraped both knees up, lost part of a toenail, scraped the side of a foot and banged my elbow. Which doesn't even matter.

Because Blair hit her head. On the ground. And was SCREAMING and crying hysterically (which is really what I felt like doing too). I also don't think my cramming her into my chest to hug her and make sure she was okay did much to calm her. Also, come to think of it, the panicked look on my face probably didn't help much either.

And do you know what? The parking lot was full of people.

And not One. Single. Asshole stopped to see if we were okay.

DID I TELL YOU THE PARKING LOT WAS FULL?!?! It was almost 4:00 on a Friday afternoon, which in retired/semi-retired land is DANGEROUSLY close to cocktail hour (okay, in stay at home mom land, too. Not judging that part - just painting a picture here.).

Folks, it's not as if no one noticed. People were actually WALKING by us, looking, making eye contact for Christ's sake (sorry Jesus, I told you I was pissed - you understand, because you would have stopped), looking away and walking on. One of those people? A freaking PUBLIX EMPLOYEE! Yep. Looked at me, maybe looked a tad concerned, then carried on with his obviously critical job of collecting grocery carts.

Oh, and remember the woman I mentioned? The one sitting in the car? PARKED NEXT TO US? Nothing. Nada. Not even a pretend-concerned-mouthed 'are you okay?' Because, guess what? We're not.

Listen, I understand your lives are hard. You live in Longboat Key, Florida where once or twice a week there might be a cloud or two in the sky. You work hard all day playing golf/tennis/boccie ball/searching for shells on the beach. Normally, I wouldn't judge you. Chances are very high that you spent the bulk of your life actually working hard so you can do this now.

But, seriously? That gives you the right to be a total ASSHAT and not even care about other people? That gives you the right to walk past a woman and her small child sitting on the ground, with one of them bleeding and one of them crying? Not necessarily in that order?

No. No it abso-fucking-lutely does not. You are probably a grandparents, jerks. Think about how you would feel if this happened to your daughter and granddaughter. You would probably want to kick some serious geriatric ass. And you would be right to both feel that way AND kick some ass (or Depends ... which probably would lessen the blow somewhat).

Blair and I continued inside and got our shopping done. Luckily one of our good friends was there to tell me that she agreed, those people WERE assholes (LOVE you Laura Mutz), and she gave me a hug. Which is probably the only thing that kept me from completely losing it when I noticed the scrapes on Blair's scalp. (What a trouper she is. If that had been Paige, we would have had to leave immediately and go home. And by 'home,' I mean all the way back to Indiana.)

And you know what? Just to show that I wasn't a total douchebag (albeit a slightly foul-mouthed mommy), Blair and I unloaded our cart and walked it ALL the way back up to the store rather than leave it in the parking lot, where it might roll into either the Porsche, Rolls-Royce, Mercedes/Jaguar/Lexus convertible or perhaps the Alfa Romeo parked in the one of the 300 Handicapped spots around me.

You know why? Because I'm not a dick.

Which is a hell of a lot more than I can say for anyone else in that parking lot today.

Airplane!

Yep, you guessed it. Another trip out of town, another story about traveling.

"Why does she do it?," you might ask yourself. If that is the case, then you do NOT live in Indiana, or anywhere near the Midwest. This time of year is horrible. No. You know what? It completely sucks. We left Indianapolis at 11:00 am this morning with a Winter Weather Advisory predicting more than 6 inches of snow. Today.

By 1:15 pm, we were looking at this:

Mmmm-kay?

So, the day actually started out pretty well (my horribly stressed-out attitude notwithstanding. Sorry again, babe.). However, I'm not sure if it was a good or bad sign that I woke up, turned on the TV to watch the news, and the movie 'Airplane!' immediately came on. I'm taking it as a good sign. Because, seriously? I love that movie. And, also? It was the scene where the little boy sits next to the little girl and offers her a cup of coffee. And she turns down the cream he offers, because she likes her "coffee black, like her men." Which is probably one of my very favorite lines of that movie. Or ever. So, good sign, it is.

We got out of the house with only a few meltdowns about shoes being too tight (seriously? I am about to lose it with that ... perhaps that will be tomorrow's post?) and only 2 threats of not being able to go to Florida at all. And by 'threats,' I mean 'leaving them at home and going without them'. 

Derrick drove us to the airport and walked us to the security checkpoint. We all gave him a few smooches, and then the girls and I were off! Yep. You read that right. Just the three of us. 

And, I don't often give out mad props, but I will here - specifically to the TSA people working at IND this morning. Sequester-be-damned - the line was quick, and everyone there was MORE than pleasant to us. They were actually helpful. I know, right? It was a wonderful experience, and I'm sort of wondering if I was in The Twilight Zone (which, for you young-uns out there, will already be the second reference you probably don't get in this post).

We headed to the gate, got the girls a muffin, some fruit and a juice and got Mommy her medicine (aka, strong coffee...but with cream and sugar). And then we went to the gate and this happened:

Watching Tinkerbell with breakfast. And this lasted for more than 30 minutes!

 Girlies on a plane.

I bought Blair her own seat since it was just the three of us, and so I decided that Blair should sit in her car seat (aka-so I could keep her confined). I had her seat buckled onto this cart that allowed me to pull her like a suitcase, which she surprisingly liked. Until when we got on the plane, I realized that the cart did not fit down the aisle (as promised...although it was Southwest ... the Walmart of airlines). So, we went ahead and caused a major clog because I had to pull into the bulkhead row (next to an old man who I'm pretty sure was about to have a heart attack until I assured him we were only temporarily in his  space, not there to stay). I unlatched Blair, tried to confine she and Paige (aka, continuously grabbed ahold of their hood and yanked them back towards me), unhooked Blair's car seat, folded the cart, wrangled three backpacks, a purse, two blankets, a bunny, a penguin and two sippy cups. Luckily, the flight attendant offered to carry both the cart AND the car seat back for me. Curly-haired blond Southwest flight attendant? I heart you.

Sidenote: I'm pretty sure it's somewhat offensive to call flight attendants "stewardesses" nowadays. Folks over 70, take note. It really seems to piss them off, and I'm pretty sure they're spitting in your drinks.

The flight was VERY uneventful. Lots of jockeying technology around and getting things in and out of backpacks, but nothing out of the ordinary. In fact, IN FACT, I read an entire magazine. In 2 1/2 hours! A record (since circa 2009)!!!

After getting off the plane we loaded up, and headed to baggage claim. We quickly rented a cart and found our 2 suitcases (make note of this), then headed to the rental cars. En rote, I actually thought to myself, "Look at me! I think I've got this".

Until I got to Budget. Where the line was about 30 people long. This is what that situation looked like for us:

Yep. That's Blair asleep in her carseat/suitcasy-roller thing. See that blur behind her? That's Paige running circles around her. Literally. Running. In. Circles. Around. Blair.

 This is where Paige ended up. Yup. That's her balanced on top of our two suitcases on our rented suitcase cart. Super safe. If you're judging right now, either stop reading this blog or travel with yourself with a 4 and 1 year old. You may borrow these two, if you'd like. I'll be heading back mid-March.

After about 30 minutes we got to the front of the line, and the guy there gave us an AWESOME deal on an upgrade to a minivan (my husband had rented us a Ford Fusion). And he did his very best to be quick. It's a good thing, because Paige had woken Blair up and Blair was NOT pleased. And Paige told me she was tired, which is basically like her saying she's about to lose it and then pass out.

Um, remember how easily baggage claim went? That's because I actually forgot that I ALSO brought along a booster seat for Paige. So, the nice manager from Budget (who was actually working the line trying to get folks to sign up for something) offered to run back to baggage claim to get it for us. (Matt Wolfman at Budget, I heart you too.)

Oh, and then he came back with Paige's booster seat. And our stroller. Which I totally forgot we even brought. Oops. I have really got my shit together, people.

So we headed off to get our car, after a quick stop to the bathroom. Where Paige told me I smelled disgusting. My response was that A) she was rude and B) I probably smell disgusting because you and your sister make me sweat. A LOT.

Then we headed off to the car (again) and I promptly dropped Blair's car seat backwards onto the ground. With her still buckled into it. She handled it VERY well. I did not. Nothing makes you feel like a 'Good Mom" than dropping your daughter (okay, fine she was in a car seat and a cart, and not any part of her or the seat actually hit the ground, but still). And then both girls started to scream and throw fits. 

Aha. Now we're talking.

Then we GOT to the car, where I had to get all the luggage loaded up, change Blair's diaper (while she was standing up - the third time that happened today), buckled in both seats, buckled in both girls and give them smooches so they could be reassured I truly don't hate them. Then I turned to the Hispanic women who must work for either the airport or Budget (judging by their neon vests and official looking name tags) standing near the car to ask where I should drop off our luggage cart. Oh, you're going to shrug and make the "I don't understand" motions? Guess what? I speak Spanish and can hear you talking about me and how you don't want to take my cart back for me. Really? I don't even have the patience (or the swear words in Spanish) to deal with this. Thank you, Carl at Budget, for taking my cart for me. Or for whatever you did with it. I really don't care at this point.

We get on the road, and I'll fast-forward (because this post is getting long). Paige fell asleep, Blair didn't, Paige woke up, Blair was still awake, there was lots of screaming, some singing,  ... blah, blah, blah ... we get to Longboat Key!!!

The girls were SO EXCITED to see their Nani and Botsie meet them at the parking area, and they ran into their armm. We got upstairs, unpacked quickly (I mean, have you met me...first things first) and headed to the pool. How nice was it to leave a potential snowstorm in the morning and be swimming that afternoon? Really nice, that's how nice. 

A quick dinner, and it didn't take these girls long to settle into their old habits:

Watching a few episodes of old-school Smurfs while snuggled on the couch.

 Then time for bed, but first:

A few stories from Botsie. 

MAN these girls were tired! A 6:30 pm bedtime, and these girls were OUT.

Stay tuned for some GREAT stories, folks. We'll be here for TWO. WEEKS.