Tuesday, May 29, 2012

Ms. Johanna

Paige takes ballet class every Tuesday afternoon at Broad Ripple Park. Her teacher is Ms. Johanna, who has been teaching ballet classes there since ... well, perhaps since ballet was invented, from what we can tell. To-date, we have received stories of "Oh, good Lord - Ms. Johanna was MY daughter's teacher!" dating back to a 17-year-old. We are sure there are more.

Ms. Johanna - rocking the side pony, leg warmers and leotard. Actually, sigh, looking better in a leotard than I probably ever have...

We always marvel at how Ms. Johanna is able to captivate a group of toddlers - getting them to hang on her every word and do exactly as she says without having to raise her voice (at least raise her voice loud enough that we can hear her through the glass. Or over our 'mom chatter.'). She has got it figured out, and she does NOT mess around.

After each class, Ms. Johanna leads the girls back out into the area where the parents are waiting. She always gives a brief recap of how each child behaved/performed in class that day. Paige's past summaries have included: "very, VERY energetic"; "where does she get all that energy?" and "she's like a little Mexican jumping bean" (if only you knew, Ms. Johanna).

So, today Ms. Johanna comes out and talks to Kelly (Paige's bestie's Mommy) first. Her review is stellar, and even brought joy to my heart. "Audrey (pronounced by Ms. Johanna as "Aw-der-ee") does a WONDERFUL job in ballet. She has really become a fantastic listener, and it seems as though she truly is enjoying the dancing and learning." Kelly proudly glowed and nodded.

Ms. Johanna moved to me next, and I awaited her review. "Hello, Miss Paige" she said as she smiled (I never doubt how much she truly loves our kids). She gave her an affectionate pat, turned to me and said "Miss Paige spit on me in class today."

Yep. Sounds about right.

Merci, Ms. Johanna.


Monday, May 28, 2012

Narcissist

Derrick and I often note that as far as narcissism goes, it seems like our 3 year-old pretty much has the market cornered.

What makes us say that, you ask? Hmmm...if only a few examples sprang to mind.

Oh wait, here's one. We had to switch Paige's 'usual seat' at the kitchen table. Why? Because we have a mirror leaning against the wall that she could see from the seat. And I got really tired of saying "Paige. PLEASE stop looking at yourself and eat!" Or, I often have to give her arm a little tug as we are walking past windows...or shiny cars...or pretty much any semi-reflective surface in which she might catch a glimpse of herself. Anything like that runs the risk of us being forced getting the opportunity to watch a full-length version of the 'Look At Me, Watch This, I Paige' show. It's cute ... the first 300 times.

Oh, oh! Here's another one! Yesterday (literally yesterday - not to be confused with last night ago), Paige kept stopping what she was doing to run over and tell me she needed "Kiss and a hug, mommy! Hurry!" Seriously cute. So cute, in fact, that I asked her if I could be the President of the Paige Fan Club. She looked at me while she pondered my request, then decided "Well, that is a VERY important job, Mommy. I don't think so." After being denied the post for not being up to the job, apparently, I asked, "Well, then who gets to be the President?" She replied "I do, Mommy." Duh. Of COURSE she is the President of her own fan club. I suspect she might encompass the entire governing board, but I can't be sure.

Oh, and perhaps this will fully illustrate the extent of Paige's self-imposed importance. As I write this very post,  she is coloring at the table, referring to me as "Cinderella." I respond with "Yes?" She quickly corrects me "You mean, 'Yes, Princess Jasmine.'"

We have been playing this pretend game all morning while I cleaned, made beds, etc. (the irony that she is calling me Cinderella is not lost on me). I am Cinderella, Paige is Princess Jasmine, somehow Daddy and Ramsey are co-kings.

Blair's character, as decreed by Princess Jasmine?

The Evil Stepmother.

It's gonna be a LOOOOONG Memorial Day. No doubt all about Paige. I mean, Princess Jasmine.


Friday, May 25, 2012

Annoying ... Adorable

I've been taking note recently on the interesting double standard I seem to have for behaviors in our house. There are certain things the girls do that make me want to grab a camera to get the visual, or write it down so I never forget it. However, oftentimes my husband will do the same thing, and it seriously makes me want to hurt him.

For example:

There is this adorable sound Paige makes when she's really sleepy and sucking her thumb. Sometimes I can hear her from the other room. If I lay in bed with her as she drifts off to sleep, I think I could sit and listen to her all night. It makes my heart hurt a little to think that someday she will no longer be a toddler who sucks her thumb in that cute way (never mind even lets me into her bedroom).

However, those of you who know me well know that typically small, repetitive sounds drive me INSANE. Clicking your pen absentmindedly while you talk on the phone, honey? Don't make me hurt you with that pen. Tapping your foot incessantly while you type as loudly as you can on your keyboard, darling? Seriously, I will break those fingers. Smacking your gum, dear? I will forcibly take it out of your mouth and toss it out the window.

Another example - lots of times when Paige and I are watching TV or reading a book, she will absentmindedly tickle my arm or play with my hair. Seriously? That feeling makes me want to have 10,000 kids. Can. Not. Stand. It.

Husband, on the other hand? He will sometimes try to rub his man toes on my feet while we watch TV at night. Listen, I'm all in for a good foot rub. But, more likely than not your toenails need clipped. And man feet are just gross! Bleachh!

Kid toots? Hil-arious. They will get a guffaw from me every time. And, more often than not, Paige accompanies hers with a loudly exclaimed "TOOT!" Even Blair realizes how funny they are. She tooted the other day when I lifted her bottom to change her diaper, and she looked at me and gave me a huge grin accompanied by a belly laugh! So funny!

Grown-up toots? Not so much. Not funny, and really, not even allowed (unless it's me - then that is obviously okay. But, Derrick, you can't laugh unless I laugh first - then it's funny. If I ignore it, you must too. Especially if I'm pregnant.).


Now, keep in mind that this dichotomy works both ways. When I say something mundane like "Derrick, can you please hand me a spatula?" his typical response will be "You're a spatula". That? One of the reasons I married you, D. 

Paige, when I say "you are making bad choices" and you respond (in your sassiest voice) with "YOU a bad choice, Mommy!" Not funny. Hit the timeout chair, sister. 

You know the way. If you get lost, just follow the well-worn path. And whatever you do, DO NOT toot on the way, or I might just have to let this timeout slide. 



Wednesday, May 23, 2012

Bloodhounds

I'm not sure what exactly it is about me. I only sometimes wear perfume, and even then it's not much. I make a conscious effort to keep my voice down. I know where all the creaks are on the floors. For the love - I don't even shut the screen door all the way if I come home after hours.

And yet, it never ceases to fail.

I swear - my girls can LITERALLY smell when I enter a 100 yard radius of them. They can LITERALLY hear me arrive on the property. Even in their sleep. No, I take that back. Only while they sleep.

I could walk out of the room for 3 seconds and somehow scare the bejeezus out of Paige by walking back in and asking her a question. Somehow Blair always seems surprised to find me when she pulls back the (clear) shower curtain while I'm showering. But while they sleep, they transform into super-smelling, super-hearing bloodhounds.

Cases in point:

The girls' Nani was watching them the other day. When I arrived at her house to pick them up, it was in the middle of nap time. The front door was open but the screen was locked. So, I walked up to the screen and whispered "Pssst" through the door (after specifically NOT locking my van so the horn wouldn't honk, and being sure to quietly shut the car door. Perhaps I should have coasted into the driveway in Neutral??). Nani assured me the girls were sound asleep, and had been for about an hour. So, I sat on the couch. And both girls began to cry. Yep - nap time over.

The other night I had a pedicure and dinner with my sister-in-law, and I arrived home well after bedtime. I talked to Derrick on the way home, and he assured me the girls had gone to bed and were fast asleep. He had even checked on them about 20 minutes ago and he chuckled that Blair had been snoring with her little bottom in the air. Mind you, I was in Broad Ripple having dinner. It took me about 6 minutes to get into my car and drive home. I pulled into the driveway, walked into the house and this is what I found in the kitchen waiting for me:



Note how she looks pissed? That's probably because I took the time to take her picture instead of taking her immediately and holding her (she was yelling "Mama," for crying out loud). 

Any guesses on when Derrick said she woke up and started screaming? Um, about 1 second after I pulled into the driveway. Before I even had the car in Park.

See? Bloodhounds. Let me know if you have any missing person cases you need them to solve. Of course, it would have to be about me ... here's a hint: I'm probably just hiding in the laundry room.


Thursday, May 17, 2012

Hidden Treasures

Once, not so long ago, Paige became obsessed with Hide and Seek. It was so cute - she would tell me to count, and then she would go stand smack dab in the middle of whatever room we were in, giggling loudly (needless to say, each round ended pretty quickly - you can only pretend not to see someone standing directly in front of you for so long).

This obsession graduated to hiding objects - or, rather, taking things out of my hand, running to the Time Out chair and putting said item under a pillow. Ha - what a little trickster! So funny!

Now these obsessions are not so funny. Paige has become a pretty decent hider. Granted, she still is fairly quick to reveal her hiding spot with the giggles. But, there are usually a few moments of sheer panic on my part where I quickly run through thoughts of whether or not the doors are locked, if she could have climbed into the dryer, if she could have opened a window (you know, REALLY logical things, since she can't reach the windows, the laundry room door has a childproof knob on it, and of course the doors are locked - we live in Broad Ripple, for God's sake).

Oh, and what a hoot hiding objects has become. I spent 20 minutes last week looking for my cell phone. We got rid of our home phone, so I couldn't call it to find it. Paige was sitting on the couch watching me, and I finally realized she was quietly giggling. "Did you hide my phone, Paige?" "He, he - I sure did Mommy! I hided it sooooo good! You will never find it!" Followed by what I am fairly certain was an imitation of an evil villain laugh.

I did find it, eventually. Okay, not eventually - actually pretty quickly. Right about the time after threatening to turn off the TV for the rest of the day. And I may or may not have threatened to not let her have her blankie in bed that night (Hey, I never said I played fair all the time).

Today, while Paige was at school, Blair and I decided we needed to go to the mall. (She's a smart one, that little Blair! Full of good ideas!) 15 minutes, two overturned diaper bags, an emptied toy box and one emptied craft drawer later, I found my wallet. In with Paige's sticker books.

Ugh, Paigers! So, so irritating. But, I'm not going to lie - also pretty funny. Stinker. Now we'll just have to talk about how hiding Daddy's things is even more fun that hiding Mommy's ...

Tuesday, May 15, 2012

Terrorist Plot

I'm working on a theory. I've decided that I'm pretty sure the terrorists are trying to bring down America through the use of our children. Specifically, babies and toddlers (but only because that's as far as my research can go - I sincerely doubt parents of tweens and teens would disagree with me. Hell, my own parents might very well still agree).

Here is my case for this:

First, it seems as though the majority of children seem to choose 4:00-5:00 pm to begin the meltdown process. It's a unified effort. Rarely does one sibling choose to completely lose it while the rest calmly look on in wonder. No - it's a symphony of whines, screams and tantrums sometimes with a fight and/or an injury tossed in. At our house, we may as well light-up the path to time-out from now until bedtime. And it slowly (okay, quickly) drives us into madness. By bedtime our eyes are glazed over and our senses are dulled from drinking trying to keep our patience.

Second (at least in my house), I'm pretty sure my toddler is trying to make me feel like I am an idiot who is very likely losing her mind. A few examples (Keep in mind these are stories from TODAY, people!! Also, keep in mind that it is only 2:00 in the afternoon as I write this post!)

On the way to swimming lessons today, Paige and Blair were listening to some songs from Paige's Kindermusik class. One song came on, and the lyrics were first in French, then switched to English (don't be too impressed - she also knows almost all the words to Fun.'s "We Are Young"). The conversation went like this:


                     P: "Mommy, what are they saying?"
                    M: "It's in French, honey. I can't remember the other words."
                     P: "It's called English, Mommy." (Said with a CLEAR disdain for my idiotic reply).

Oh, so sorry Paige. English. That's right. I surely didn't think you were talking about the other words in the song that I couldn't remember. The ones that would help me remember the title of said song. You were talking about the other language. The one I speak everyday. The one I've been speaking for more than THREE DECADES. The one I taught you to speak!!! 

Phew - deep breaths.

Another example - again, from today. I asked Paige before her nap if she'd like to wear leggings under her dress, stating it seemed more comfortable. She looked at me like I was crazy and said "No, no leggings." I went back in a few minutes later to check on her because she was screaming her head off. What was wrong, you ask? "Mommy, you forgot my leggings!! Sleeping in a dress isn't comfortable!!" 

Wait, we had this conversation! You were specific! Weren't you? Did I imagine that whole thing? Am I losing my mind? Did that even happen?

And I swear to God there was another story I wanted to put in here, and I can't for the life of me think of it. I've replayed the morning and my head and I've got nothing.

Uh-huh? See? This is how they will creep in, people. We will be drunk tired and doubtful of what we used to think of as our own common sense.

Well-played, terrorists. But know that we are onto you. And we fully intend to come up with a plan to thwart you. Probably tonight. Or, maybe tomorrow. Hell, probably never - we're just too tired. Well-played...




Monday, May 14, 2012

Happy Birthday, Blair

How is this possible? How did this happen? Wasn't I just holding a tiny newborn baby just a month or so ago?

Blair Elizabeth turned 1 yesterday. Which, incidentally, also happened to be Mother's Day. And celebrating Blair was a WONDERFUL, perfect way to spend the day.

Oh, "Baby Bear" - I can't even begin to tell you how much you mean to us. Your smile melts my heart. Your mischievous ways make my spirits soar (even though I pretend to upset, it secretly makes me proud of you when you stand up to your sister already!). Your sweet hugs and kisses breathe life into my day. I don't know what we all did before you came. You make our days happier and our lives complete.

Happy, Happy birthday.

Some visual highlights of the day:

Cake and icing made by Mommy, with "help" (aka, taste-testing) from Paige


Birthday love from Nani and Susu!


One of the only times they actually sat still long enough for me to get a picture!
(this is a very common scene - Paigers hamming it up, and Blair soaking in whatever 
it is her big sister is doing)


Our happy little birthday girl!


Singing "Happy Birthday" (she wasn't sure what to do - and then Ramsey stole half her cake off her tray)


Presents!! She had LOTS of help opening!


Aaaaannnnd, this was her favorite thing. The $1.00 bow I used on one of her presents


After everyone left I put the balloons on the floor to let the girls play off some of that sugar. Blair points to them and says "ba" (ball, maybe?)


Ha! Wrapped up in her balloons and laughing while taking off into the kitchen!


Post-party Peppa Pig (a new favorite - have I mentioned they might watch TV sometimes?)

One last smile before bed



Saturday, May 12, 2012

I'm Just Sayin'

I always think I need to write down some of the things that come out of my mouth on a daily basis (no, no - not the sweary-things, the crazy-things-I-never-could-have-contemplated-saying-things).

I mean, I have a MASTER'S DEGREE for God's sake! I'm not bragging, I'm just sayin'. And, yet, below is a small sampling of the things I have actually said out loud. Recently. To another human.


  • "Why on Earth would you put shredded cheese up your nose?"
  • "Listen, tell me if you have to potty. DO NOT poop in the bathtub."
  • "Please don't lick the toilet seat."
  • "Stop hissing at the cat."
  • "What are you eating and where did you find it?"
  • "Hey, let's not eat random things we find in our carseat, okay?"
  • "Please take that bucket off your sister's head"
  • "Shoes are not for chewing"
  • "Okay. You can wear your underwear backwards, but you have to put your pants on with the zipper in the front."
And these are just the things I remember. From the past day or so. I think it's safe to say that nothing goes without saying with kids in the house. I've quickly learned we can never assume they know a rule unless they've heard it out loud. I'm just sayin'.

Friday, May 11, 2012

Let's Talk it Out

My mom texted me yesterday to tell me she saw a child psychologist on 'The Today Show' giving advice on how to deal your child when he/she throws a fit.

The psychologist suggested sitting down with them and calmly saying, "Help me understand what's really bothering you" so that you and the child can work on identifying the correct behavior to use to express their feelings.

This type of parenting was seconded by a girlfriend of mine who is a respected educator dealing with children with special needs (who, I will note, has very well-behaved boys).

So, being the mom of a very dramatic spirited child, I thought I would give it a shot. Paige was throwing a huge fit because I wouldn't let her play with the iPad AND watch TV at the same time. I know, I know - it's practically like a remake of "Mommy Dearest" over here.

Keep in mind that she was on the other side of the baby gate in the living room looking at me in the den. Where I was on a ladder. Painting the ceiling. Which was the worst idea EVER. Which also turned me into an old bag of bones that can barely move today. But, I digress.

Anywho - here is how the conversation went down, after much arguing about TV vs. iPad:

Me: Paige, what is your deal today? (which really is the same thing as "help me understand what's bothering you, right? RIGHT?!?!?)

Paige (putting her hands on her hips): ANYTHING, Mommy!!! Now just stop it, okay!!!!!

And then she turned on her heels and stomped away.

I'm thinking about calling that psychologist and seeing if she wants to come talk to me about how well her method works. Oh, and to see if she wants to meet some actual toddlers. Because she clearly has none living in her house.

Tuesday, May 8, 2012

Bear's Traveling Hat

Most morning the girls and I hang out upstairs after breakfast. We might climb back into my bed and watch a show (my favorite!). Or sometimes the girls will play together while I put away laundry, make beds, etc.

Inevitably, the girls end up in the bathroom. Blair eats a bit of toilet paper, Paige grabs toys out of Blair's hands, and the decibel level generally lingers around just-this-side-of-unbearable.

However, most mornings, Paige decides that it's time to "go on a trip." Now, Paige is a master at playing pretend. Oftentimes, her trips end with her asking me for "a spot of tea." Or, perhaps she will ask me for some money because she needs to go to work and has to stop to "put gas in my car." Or, she will head into outer space. Every morning brings a new adventure.

Regardless of where her trips will be taking her, Paige always makes sure that Blair has the one accessory she can't do without. She calls it "Bear's Traveling Hat." She puts it on Blair's head with a little tap to make sure it's secure. She announces, "There you go, Bear. This will keep you safe." And then she gives Blair's little bottom a pat and invites her on the journey.


Not the clearest picture, but those of you who know Blair know that she is a moving target. 

And, to let you in on a little secret, Blair's Traveling Hat is actually the bowl sent home with new mothers from the hospital. Yep - the one you use to give your newborn sponge baths. Which yet again makes me wonder why we even bother buying these children actual toys...

Monday, May 7, 2012

Gramma and Grampa's House

This past weekend we were at Gramma and Grampa's house. Lots of sugar was consumed. Few hours of sleep were slept. Pretty much anything that was requested was received. Which is exactly as it should be at a grandparents' house. 

A few pics of the festivities:

Showing Cole (or, as Paige calls him, "Baby Coles") the ropes


Bounce house fun! (And, yes, the only reason she was allowed to go in was because there weren't any other kids inside! Mommy hates these things!!)


Hanging with Grampa at the Mayfest


Lounging poolside!


Gramma in the pool (and Ramsey looking for a spot to get in!)

The ride home. If you look closely, you will see the drool on the chin. In any crowd, 
the sign of a great weekend!


Thursday, May 3, 2012

Pre-dinner Park Fun

A little insight into a Mommy trick - when Daddy travels, try to make the evening hours (aka the "witching hours") pass as quickly as possible. Sometimes this is accomplished with television. Sometimes this is accomplished with reading books. Sometimes this is accomplished with wine (I was out of wine - um....how does THAT happen???).

Tonight, this was accomplished by an impromptu trip to the park (okay, I had actually promised a trip to The Children's Museum, without first checking to see when it closed. Yowza - rookie mistake. And yes, before you say it, I realize I am no longer a rookie).


This particular trip was made even more fun when it turned into an impromptu playdate with the Colby ladies. In fact, this was our SECOND park playdate with them of the day! The only problem is that Paige is beginning to expect to see "Kelly Colby" (she always uses her first and last name), Audrey and Lu everywhere we go. Luckily, a majority of the time we do!

Paige and Audrey - Holliday Park (and yes, they typically hold hands when walking together!)

Wednesday, May 2, 2012

No Nap

I have officially decided it's probably time to phase out Paige's nap (like how I use 'officially' and 'probably' in the same sentence? Can moms ever just feel confident about a parenting decision we make??).

The decision was based on the fact that she was consistently getting up around 5:45 am every morning, and then sitting in bed until as late as 9:45 pm each night asking for snuggles, songs, water, good weather in the morning, trips to the park ... well, you get the idea. 

All in all, I can take the nighttime dramatics. But those of you who know me well know that I am most definitely NOT a morning person. Not even close. Not even a teeny tiny little bit. And yet, by some cruel twist of fate I seem to have found the one person who is at the complete opposite end of the morning person spectrum. I'm not kidding - I'm pretty sure Derrick wakes up and literally bounces out of bed. Possibly with little cartoon birds singing and flying around his head. I wouldn't actually know, because my eyes are squeezed shut and I'm pretending to be asleep hoping he will leave our room and return in a few hours with a cup of coffee.

So, of course God has a sense of humor, and both of our girls seem to have inherited their dad's fondness for mornings. Here is a little example of how our mornings begin around here (ironically, AFTER Derrick has left for the office and the girls are nice and wound up):


This video was taken at 8:15 am. Shortly after Blair went down for her morning nap (which is what happens when you wake up at 6:00 am). Paige is dressed. You cannot see me, but I am still in my glasses and pjs. 

But, I digress. 

So, we tried no nap. It was a rainy day so Paige and I snuggled up on the couch and started watching 'Aladdin' (for the second time that day). I lobbied for a different choice, but she announced that she "did not want to watch 'Lady and the Trampoline,' Mommy." This photo was taken about 15 minutes in:



Faaaast asleep on my lap. Not too shabby, but definitely NOT part of the plan. So, I let her sleep for about 15 minutes and woke her up. We finished the movie and she went to her room for "quiet time". Here were some of the revelations Paige had during quiet time:

"Mommy, playing makes my legs very tired."
"Mommy, resting makes me very hungry."
"Mommy, this snack makes me very thirsty."
"Mommy, this water makes me need to potty."
"Mommy, I think quiet time is over, okay?"

Hmmmm - I have some work to do. To be continued ...